January 21st, 2009

(no subject)

It really is painful to feel like the worthless garbage of society.  Not having anything to do, or at any rate nothing of value to do, is a curse.  I get it hammered into me again and again how I need a job and need to be a part of society.  But I just can't seem to have much luck on that front.  A job eludes me.  What I find purposeful does not as yet provide an income.  I'm under constant pressure from my parents to get a conventional job even though I think my chances are so slim as to be the same as none.  They don't seem to understand my view.  They seem to refuse the idea that, given my background and the current economic situation, it is impossible for me to find employment.  The job market is cuthroat right now, and my resume doesn't help me stand out from the crowd.  Even if my resume did get me an interview, I am a terrible interviewer.  Just about every interview I have had has gone badly.  I hate interviews. 

The only time I have gotten a job after an interview was back in 2007, but I think that was because my interviewer had a number of issues himself.  This guy was, I thought, borderline crazy.  Since this is an anonymous mention of him I don't think he'll mind.  But to me that says a lot that the only guy who wanted to hire me was someone with his own issues.  And I didn't even get a real job!  The most hours I got for a week was about twenty or thirty.  But then my hours started becoming less, and less, and less, until I was just getting the bare minimum.  Towards the end he had me working a measly six hours a week.  Two days with a single three-hour shift on each day.  

Even that sort of job I found hellish.  Working at a fast food restaurant puts me on edge and turns me into a nervous wreck given enough pressure.  I'm not suited to the 'fast' in fast food.  I take my time.  It's not that I'm lazy.  I just seem to work at a different wavelength than most everybody else.  

That job--if you can call it that-- was two years ago now, back in 2007.  I haven't been able to get a new job since.  And the worse the economy gets, the worse it looks for me.  The job I did get was something that I got after turning in dozens of previous applications and having half a dozen other interviews that came to nothing.  If I had that much struggle back in 2007, why should I think I have any chance at all now that the financial crisis is in full swing?  My resume doesn't look any better.  I don't have any new work history to add.  I do not have any measurably improved interview skills.  I also have a heck of a lot more competition for the same jobs as before.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I can't top somebody who's had half a dozen or more jobs already and is a competent interviewer.  I stand no chance against the average Joe because the average Joe is a master speaker with a brimming resume compared to me.  

So much for the traditional job route.  I guess my main chance now is to find something I can do which will earn me money another way.  I don't know what that is.  I have no clue what that is.